"that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death," (Phi 3:10)
So here I found myself on the cross, slowly fading away. On one hand it fills good to fellowship with my Lord on the cross but on the other hand the suffering is unbearable. Look at me just hanged here wasting away, all my talent, all my skills, all my knowledge, all my ambition, all my plans and all my desires are going to die with me. Little by little I fade away, I'm loosing myself, I'm loosing interest in the things I use to love and I no longer enjoy doing the things I use to do. The person I use to be is slowly draining away, yes I am being emptied of myself.
I don't want to die, I want to escape from this cross, to run away. But I can't, this love, this sweet and soft love, has now turn into huge nails that holds me firm to the cross. Intoxicated by the pain I cried "Father why, why did you bring me here, is there not another way, why did you live me here to die?". I didn't know what I was saying, the pain was just too much, I can't bear it any long, I can't continue to hold on to my life, so I gave up and died. I just hang there dead and then I discovered I can't do anything; I can't live, I can't live the Christian life; I can't read the Bible; I can't pray, I don't even know how to pray; I can't go and evangelize; I can't preach or minister in anyway; I can do that or do this, I just can't help myself, for I don't know how to do anything.
Then I cried "Lorld, I am dead, I am broken, I use to be so knowledgeable especially when it comes to the Bible or spiritual things but now I know nothing and I can't do anything, I just can't live anymore, for I don't know how to live. Oh my Lord, come live through me. Come read the Bible through me, come pray through me, come evangelize through me and come minister through me. Yes Lord, come live the christian life through me, for I am died". I can't jump into any activity anymore, all I could do is just wait on the Lord to come live through me.